Ilm Summit/ Hajj

June 18, 2009 at 4:45 pm | In Al Huda Institute, AlMaghrib, Bayyinah Institute, Community, Deen, Family, Quran, Thoughts | 5 Comments

I know. Hajj is not comparable to Ilmsummit, but from yesterday’s Alhuda’s class, I was struck by the yearning for both these events. We did verses 197-203 of Surah AlBaqarah yesterday, and these verses concern a lot about the rites of hajj.

One of our goals, or, well, at least my personal goal, is to finish paying off our student loans, save some money and go to hajj, either with the kids, or without. Yesterday, as we did word analysis and tafseer of these verses, it struck me. The wisdom behind us not being able to go to hajj yet. I knew this before, but it really struck me yesterday. And along with that, it struck me how parallel the feeling is for Ilmsummit.

A few days ago, something happened in my life that sent me into a rollercoaster of joy, yearning, sadness, acceptance, hope, and determination. I received an email from AlMaghrib Institute saying I am pre-approved for Ilmsummit, with a scholarship worth $575. I was reeling with excitement. To be honest, I never even bothered about Ilmsummit before, because logistically, it’s almost impossible for me to attend this two week intensive course with 4 kids. I can’t leave them for 4 weeks! Or can I?

When I told hubby, he immediately told me to go. Of course, me being the less intelligent one, said,

“How are you going to handle the kids for 2 weeks?”

I should have remembered. Hubby is hubby. He can make do. He shrugged. But I know that meant he will figure out a way. He always does. That is one reason we were able to both go to school with babies in the house. Alhamdulillah. I feel so blessed to have a husband who is not fussy, and who is not a typical man (in the sense related to the above scenario). Walhamdulillah!

He said,

“Just make istikharah and then try to go.”

I love how istikharah has made its dominant presence in our life, from little things like deciding to buy a china buffet to major stuff like this. And I’m even loving how the kids are very exposed to this, which is a life lesson in itself. May Allah bless us with guidance until our end. Ameen.

However, qadr Allah, hubby is supposed to go to Madison, Wisconsin July 25th – 28th, and the Ilmsummit is from July 24th though Aug 9. Divine Speech, which I have been planning to attend, in Tempe, AZ, is from Aug 7th through 9th. Though Nouman Ali Khan is going to be there at Ilmsummit, nonetheless.

It was a huge dilemma.

1. The four days hubby is going to be away, where do we put the kids?

2. I’m going to miss Divine Speech if I go to the Ilmsummit, though Ilmsummit in itself is an experience to look forward to.

Hubby already said that we can rent a car, leave H with some brothers here, and drive to Houston, drop me off, and he would drive back with the kids. Subhanallah! How much more supporting can a husband be? Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah!

After a bout of almost jumping up and down, getting excited over the prospect of meeting up with my Columbus sisters who are also going to attend Ilmsummit this year, I calmed down and did some serious thinking.

I couldn’t leave the kids for four days without hubby. That trip to Wisconsin is a must for hubby, even though he hasn’t bought the ticket yet. On a spiritual level, I don’t think I’m that prepared for Ilmsummit. My amount of Quran memorized is embarassingly qaleel. A decision started to form in my head. That night, I made istikharah, along with emailing my dear sisters for the consultation part.

All of them told me to go. Of course. Duhh…

Divine Speech, according to an Ameerah of a qabeela, is better than all the AlMaghrib classes combined.

That did it. I’m not going to miss Divine Speech.

So, when hubby asked me if I’m going, I told him no. I told him, (after finding out that he too had received an email saying he was accepted with a scholarship)

“We’ll go together next year inshaallah.”

The kids, we’ll figure it out. Houston is great with babysitting, mashaallah.

And yesterday, when we covered the verses on Hajj, I felt this yearning burning in my heart, and then it struck me how similar that yearning is to me wanting to attend Ilmsummit. My reasons of not being able to go yet is also somewhat parallel for both.

I sincerely don’t feel I am spiritually ready for Ilmsummit. If I go, I want to optimize the learning there. I need to grow more in my deen. Memorize more Quran. Understand more of the deen. Be more disciplined in my daily schedules. And by next year, I would hope that I will know what my role is in this community, so I can optimize my Ilmsummit experience to give back to the community, inshaallah.

For Hajj, I have felt this yearning burning in me for so long. A close friend, who had recently gone, fueled this yearning in me even more. But, I have learned to always look for the silver lining in things, and alhamdulillah, what I see regarding this, is soemthing quite similar to the silver lining for not being able to attend Ilmsummit.

I have a lot to learn about hajj. I may know it, but not enough. I have time now to learn all the rulings about it. I don’t want to go, do hajj, then come back and realize that I did something wrong. I want to optimize that hajj experience. All this waiting is a good opportunity to increase my knowledge about hajj and the deen in general.

Regrets? A dear sister, K, who is going to Ilmsummit this year, told me that she had yearned to go last year, but she knew she couldn’t, so she prepared for this year. One thign she said was that she didn’t feel any regret over not being able to go last summer because what she did last summer was worth it. That gave me comfort. And when you think about it, it’s the same as not being able to go to hajj this year, or any year. You do something else that is beneficial. No regrets. And of course, with istikharah, definitely no regrets inshaallah.

As for Divine Speech, the sister in Tempe told me they woud be having babysitting. By default, I do not dare let anyone babysit Baby Z, because of his allergies. And that was what I told the sister, but as I thought about it, it dawned on me that S and the other two are big, and responsible enough to keep their eyes on him. So I asked S,

“If ummi and abi take the class, Divine Speech, the one in Arizona, and we leave you with babysitting, do you think you can watch Z?”

She nodded.

So I asked hubby on gmail chat, if he wants to take the class with me.

That is a possibility. Another istikharah inshaallah.

I can’t help but wonder if Allah is giving me all these opportunities as the answer to my dua. I never before focused, let alone thought about attending Ilmsummit, but now, I’m inclined towards it. It has become my goal for next year. Along with that came the motivation to increase my spiritual level in my deen, and my Quran memorization. I need this push.

Why now? Why this year? Why not last year? My AlMaghrib grades have always been like that, but why this year? This opportunity set my gears rolling, and fed me with determination and motivation. Pondering, I thought to myself,

Thank you Allah for directing me this way.

I think these all are the answers to my dua.

The opportunities to teach Quran, that is also I think a blessing from Allah. Never before. Why now? Almost in droves (I know, I’m exagerating, but it’s relative).

The class in El Paso. Why now? Sh YB had never before done this, as far as I know.

Tempe getting Bayyinah classes. Around this time. Why now?

Albuquerque starting to establish a Qabeelah. Talk about perfect timing.

I had pined and moped about moving to a town that does not have an Almaghrib qabeelah. And now, I am showered with learning opportunities left and right. No excuses.

Alhamdulillah. Oh Allah, please continue to shower us with Your blessings, of the deen, for both the dunya and akhirah, Ya Allah. Ameen.

Ya muqallibal quloob thabbit qalbee ‘alaa deenik. Ameen.

Tempe or Phoenix?

June 2, 2009 at 9:19 pm | In Bayyinah Institute, Community, Deen, Desert life, Family, Kids, New Mexico, Thoughts, Travel | 5 Comments

Qabeelah on wheels. That was what we were back in 2006, when a group of sisters traveled together to Ann Arbor to take Islam Invulnerable, an AlMaghrib class, and of course, more subsequent trips ensued after that. Why? Because we wanted very badly to attend these classes, but we didn’t have a student body, qabeelah, in our town, because we had it as an easily acquired privilege but lost it because the numbers dropped very significantly afterwards.

That trip to Ann Arbor was my only and first trip without hubby after I learned of the prohibition of a woman traveling with her mahram. From thereon after, I never traveled out of town without my mahram. Of course, there are differences of opinions on this, but I personally choose to take the safest route, and the decision was also bolstered by an incident that happened on our trip to Ann Arbor. My last class out of town was History of the Khulafa, and that was only because I was pregnant with Baby Z on the second weekend. Alhamdulillah we also got our qabeelah back in town and we again had the privilege of taking the classes in our own locality.

This move to New Mexico however, has rendered us very far away from any AlMaghrib qabeelah, again. I knew this when we found out we were moving here, and I mopped and pined over it, but after maikng istikharah, I also know deep in my heart that there is wisdom behind everything that happens. Especially after the istikharah, my heart is firm in the belief that Allah intends good for us, be it through a difficult test via hardship or a difficult test via blessings.

I had begun scouting for nearby Qabeelahs and google mapped them. Houston is about 11 hours away. Dallas, 9 hours away. Bay area, I don’t remember, but maybe 16 hours or more. Phoenix, Arizona is the closest to us, at about 5 hrs and 16 minutes away, according to Google Map. I had filled in our shared Google calendar with the two Bayyinah classes, Meaningful Prayer, and Divine Speech, happening in May in Arizona and June in Dallas. As the date approached, I kept asking hubby if we were going, and alhamdulillah it happened. S and I registered for Meaningful Prayer in Phoenix. Alhamdulillah Rm became my contact person for connections to people in Arizona for questions on accomodations etc.

I think my life has centered around attending such classes that it feels very lacking without them. These are my reminders, my eman boosters, and my means of improving my ibaadah and relationship with Allah. When things go wrong in my life, only my relationship with Allah consoles me, and what I have learned so far also gives me comfort, and with all these classes, automatically come good company. I cannot emphasize how much good company does for me, subhanallah. That is one du’a I devoutly made before moving, and I realize that I have been slacking off on that du’a recently, and I have picked up on it henceforth. I need good company, in sore need of it. Alhamdulillah for technology.

So, on Friday, May 3 we all set out for Phoenix, Arizona. Alhamdulillah this time around, we don’t have problems with finances, walhamdulillah walhamdulillah. May Allah bless our wealth and may we only spend it in the way that pleases Him. Ameen.

That week was a very exhausting week for me, because on Wednesday night, right after my Taleem class, we headed out to Albuquerque. I owe this a post too. We came home Thursday night, and I slept around 1 a.m. that Friday and Friday noon, we set out for Phoenix. To top it off, the kids were sick, and it was the first time we used our insurance card for prescription, it took a while, we had to wait about an hour to get the amoxicillin, we had to bring a cooler to store the medicine, all the while hubby was getting fidgety because the time for Jumuah was closely approaching. It really seemed like everything was messed up, like it was proably easier not to go, but alhamdulillah we were soon on our way, yes, kids sick and all. I had made istikharah about it, so I guess, looking back, those were all tests that were put in our path to test how true we were to what we  were pursuing.

I have never been to Arizona before, well, maybe I did, for my father’s honeymoon with my second stepmother, but I think that was Vegas. The drive was I think exhausting, for hubby especially, since we had just come back from Albuquerque the night before, around 12 a.m. and then he had to go to work that Friday morning, come home and with no rest, start driving. As for me, I slept for most of the trip, because the night before, I went to bed around 1 a.m. after putting away the groceries we had bought from the Asian store in ALbuquerque, cleaning out the coolers, making sure I ‘root’ the freshest lemongrass stalks we had just bought in a tall jar of water. Tha Friday morning, S came to me and complained that her chest hurt, and her throat, and I had to rush them to the doctor, which took a while, because they took a throat culture and the results took quite some time to arrive. That was what messed up our planned ’schedule’. Sufice it to say, I was dead tired too, in my own way.

As we entered Arizona though, I noticed that the landscape was quite different from New Mexico, even though they’re both deserts. I saw the type of cacti (I don’t remember its name now) that I used to see on Bugs Bunny/Road Runner cartoon shows growing up. Later on, I learned that those type of cacti, with arms pointing up, only grow in Arizona. Subhanallah!

The drive was only supposed to be 5 hours and 16 minutes, (according to Google Map), but it took us about 6 hours, particularly due to the bad traffic approaching and around Tucson. Hubby kept worrying that we wouldn’t make it on time to the class, while I was feeling bad for him, and kept saying,

“It’s ok. If we make it on time, that is more than good.”

Alhamdulillah Phoenix doesn’t change the time for Daylight savings, so they’re one hour behind us, which is a boon for us. Nevertheless, we did get there about an hour late. To top it off, hubby dropped S and me off somewhere on campus, because of course, campuses always have limited vehicle access. It was maghrib, and I am not one with a keen sense of direction. So S and I wandered around campus quite a bit trying to find where the class building was. We stopped at asked some students, and they gave us directions,  alhamdulilah. EVen in our haste, I coudln’t help but notice the trees and plants genersouly scattered on campus ground. It was beautiful! Later on, a sister there told me that ASU is a registered arboratum. Go figure!

Throughout the weekend, one thought nagged my mind.

I wish I had done my undergrad here!

The campus is that beautiful. And me, I love flowers. Jannah on earth I would say.

That first day, Friday, was fabulous. I wasn’t aware that hubby didn’t pay for S. She was registered, but not paid for. I was registered and paid for. AFter class that night, I asked hubby, and he said that he had given me a checkbook to pay for S. I didn’t even think that he would not pay for S yet, because beforehand, we had all agreed that S was to take the class.

Well, it turned out for the better, because that gave S a way out, in case she didn’t want to go ahead with taking the class. We asked her that night,

“Do you want to take the class? If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”

I was very very very surprised when she nodded. I asked her again, to make sure she really said do out of her own will, and not to make us feel good.

So we paid for her and she took the class with me. As she forgot to bring her glasses, she insisted that we sit at the very front, and so we did. I thoroughly enjoyed the class, and alhamdulillah, so did S. The class increased my love for Arabic, and actually planted in me the desire to continue learning Arabic. I was never that motivated before to learn Arabic. And of course, the material was presented such that we were actually pushed to change and improve ourselves in our salah. Khushu’ was emphasized a lot, and S told me sometime after that class,

“I tried to be khushu’ but it’s hard.”

You and me both, S.

Hubby took the rest of the kids to the Natural History Museum while we were in class. Alhamdulillah they weren’t feverish anymore, but still had to take the antibiotics on schedule. That was hard, especially with no fridge in the motel room.

Baby Z even got to go into the motel pool on Sunday. The weather, surprisingly, was very nice. It felt a lot cooler than in LC. Funny, because all along I’ve heard that it’s hotter in Phoenix than down in LC, but I guess that was a blessing just for that weekend, alhamdulillah.

We got home around 1 a.m. Monday, since the class ended around 8 p.m. Sunday. I had asked the Sheikkh if they could change the time that Sunday, and he told me to ask the sisters who were organizing it. They said they coudnt change it because the room wasn’t available before 12 pm. I was glad I asked. Alhamdulillah we got home safe and sound, though poor hubby had to go to work that Monday morning after all that driving. May Allah reward him with something much much better for aiding us in taking that class. Ameen.

I have to say that after that weekend, it took quite some time for me to recover from the exhaustion. The RPN had told me when we came in to see her that Friday because they kids were sick,

“If you get a sore throat next week, come in.”

That weekend, I actually felt a sore throat creeping up, but I took advantage of the fact that we were travelling and fervently made dua that I would not get sick. Amazingly, by the might and will of Allah, my sore throat went away, which scientifically I would think, is somewhat illogical because we were all in close quarters, my body was exhausted hence weakened immune system, and there was strep throat in our midst, and we were in a very invulnerable position healthwise. Subhanallah. Ruqyah and dua were my close companions.

To be honest, I worried about the whole trip. I have been out of town before, taking classes, and I know how hard it is, especially with kids, sick kids at that. I worried that I would be too exhausted to reap any benefit. But subhanallah, I believe that Allah truly blessed me with strength I didn’t think I had. I remember thinking,

Now I think I know how it is when they say that salat gives you strength.

Subhanallah…

One thing I learned while we were there. Oh, two things.

1. Phoenix is equivalent to Columbus. Tempe is equivalent to Hilliard or Dublin (in Columbus). We got confused over where we were.

2. Phoenix seems to be getting in influx of Somali. Ahhh….familiar territory. Comfort people.

One other thing I came home with:

Going back to little unhappening LC was quite depressing after that weekend. I miss being able to take classes in my locality. I miss having that atmosphere of people coming in droves to  seek knowledge. I miss my sisters. I miss Columbus. I miss Hayl. That was the start of my misery since our move to LC. To this day, I am still in that low valley of misery.

Alhamdulillah ‘alaa kulli 7haal. All praise is for Allah upon every matter.

Travelling for Bayyinah

March 23, 2009 at 6:49 pm | In Bayyinah Institute, Deen, Family, Quran | 6 Comments

Wasting Time: by Nouman Ali Khan

Subhanallah. The part about ‘those who protect their private parts’ pertain a lot to parents. A good reminder.

Inshaallah, if hubby can take Friday off, and everything is fine, I will be able to take the Vocabulary of Salah in Phoenix, AZ since that is the closest to us right now (about 5 and half hours drive away). The closest to Divine Speech we can attend is Dallas, TX, about 9 hours drive away. I badly want to attend that, but, we’ll see. Inshaallah Allah will make a way.

Divine Speech Prologue Part I

Sunday School

March 20, 2009 at 6:43 pm | In Al Huda Institute, AlMaghrib, Bayyinah Institute, Community, Family, Homeschooling, Kid Talk, Kids, New Mexico, Quran | 5 Comments

“I like Sunday school,” S said.

For the first time, Sunday school poses a new meaning for me, since I’m part of the teaching team now, alhamdulillah.

When hubby heard what surahs were being recited at the masjid and how they were being recited, during the Sunday school, he wasn’t too happy or impressed. I on the other hand, pressed the kids to attend it because of the obvious source of potential friends, Muslims at that, in our new place.

They resisted me at first.

“I don’t like Sunday school. It’s too babyish!”

Which made me think that I may have dragged them to too much adult islamic events such as AlMaghrib and Bayyinah classes, alhamdulillah. But I told them this,

“Arrogance. You cannot be arrogant. We may think we know stuff, but it doesn’t hurt to be there. In fact, you get something by being there. The angels that gather around gatherings of remembrance of Allah, and you attend that gathering even though you ‘know’ the stuff, you get reward. You don’t lose anything. It’s not a waste. With Islam, you can’t have that attitude.”

The first week, I sat in with the girls in their class, and hubby handled H. Basically the two hours are divided into two, Islamic Studies and Quran. It was during Quran session that soemthing happened, which led to my new ‘appointment’.

The way Quran is taught is that the teacher would recite and the students would follow in unison. She asked me where my girls are at in their recitation, and I told her. She had them read to her individually, and she was impressed. At the end of it all, she said to me,

“Ok, you should teach Sunday school.”

Immediately I burst out laughing.

“No, I’m serious,” she said, with a serious expression on her face.

I admit to panicking a little, but then I thought of the opportunity of doing good. It felt like a blessing from Allah. I thought of Baby Z. He is no longer nursing as much, and I’m not really bound by him as I was before. Saying yes wasn’t that difficult. So I said yes.

Last weekend was my first class. I felt like a new student instead of a new teacher, and I even said so in the class. I sensed that the students were a little surprised (maybe) at my new appointment, since I didn’t look Arab obviously. The sister guided me in leading the recitation and before long I was conducting my own session. I have to say I wasn’t too satisfied with their letter pronunciation, but it would take some reorganization of how the class is taught to correct that. So I asked the students, like I usually ask my kids,

“Do you mind if we break u pthe hour into two and do a session on how to pronounce the letters correctly?”

The girls looked at me and nodded. And to my surprise, an older girl spoke up,

“We also would like to know the meaning. What does this surah mean?”

Subhanallah. I love these girls already.

“Yes, inshaallah we can also do the meaning. For this surah, I can’t tell you what it means for now. I’d have to prepare for it, but next week inshaallah.”

It was surah Al Haqqah. And yes, I am preparing for that session this Sunday.

The old teacher nodded when I told her of the new hour break up, and since last Sunday, I’ve been racking my brains trying to to figure out how to teach the class. It would be 20 minutes makharij, 20 minutes recitation, and 20 minutes tafseer.

I am loving this new appointment, as I feel that it is yet another way through which I can get closer to the Quran. My Alhuda classes have been doing me great wonders in terms of spiritual happiness and satisfaction alhamdulillah. And now this. May Allah purify my intentions and heart so I do this for His sake only. Ameen.

As for S loving Sunday school, it’s because of the Islamic studies session. Alhamdulillah they have made it interesting, with hands on activities. They are to do some gardening, community service projects, all under the theme of charity. I love it too! Subhanallah, finally my children have an opportunity to do these activities alongside other children. Alhamdulillah!

That first weekend, when we left, I found out that H didn’t attend the Sunday school. Hubby, not being too happy or impressed with the Sunday school from the beginning, just let H be. The week after, I told H to just try it. When it was over, he said he read AlBaqarah. So much for not being impressed! Two other boys read better than him. Arrogance. Arrogance. That’s what brings us down. Nauzubillahu min zhaalik.

We have yet to receive an answer from the brother who hubby had asked if he could be H’s teacher for hifdh, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. But inshaallah, until we find one, H will do his memorization with hubby.

So here I am in a new place, with new people, with new opportunities to reap rewards. When we were in Columbus, knowing that we were to moev to New Mexico, I was crestfallen that there were no AlMaghrib qabeelah close by. Gone are my AlMaghrib days. But AlHuda Taleem Quran class made its appearance in perfect time. I signed up and for the next 3 and half years inshaalah I will be immersed in the study of the Quran. But alhamdulillah, more things have come up. I just found out that the next Bayyinah class will be held in Phoenix, Arizona, which is just 5 and half hours drive from here. So, inshaallah, if Allah wills, I will attend that.

“Columbus lost a teacher,” said a mother to me during last weekend’s potluck, during which I was indirectly interviewed for undertaking such an endeavor as homeschooling, and where I learned to read Quran from. I felt both welcomed and grilled.

“No, Columbus is too big. They don’t need me,” I replied.

“No, they need you in other ways,” a sister chimed in.

I looked down and ate my food at that. It reminded me of my Haylsters. I need them. But inshaallah, they are still within reach via the virtual world. Through my AlHuda classes, I also feel like I never left Columbus, because I practically ’see’ them every week on Wednesdays and Thursdays, alhamdulillah.

I feel truly blessed, and with every blessing there is a test. May I pass these incoming tests with patience, patience that is observed at the moment difficulty or calamity strikes. Ameen. The ongoing tests I have not been passing on a daily basis: getting angry at the kids. Allah help me.

A Family Affair

December 28, 2008 at 12:27 am | In Bayyinah Institute, Community, Deen, Family, Kid Talk, Mothering, Thoughts | 11 Comments

Like it or not, I have permanent appendages that will always be with me even if they’re not with me. Call it phantom limb if you will. My children.

First, it was connection by breastfeeding. Once they were all weaned, I found freedom, but not for long, because I had decided to homeschool them. Then, we had Baby Z, and the cycle starts all over again. And to think I had yearned for a large family? I do, but realistically, I don’t know if I am strong and patient enough for one.

So I ended up dragging the kids to the Tajweed class. We (hubby and I), decided that I would take N, because she seems to be good at tajweed, and also so she could somewhat excel in it and solve the problem of ‘uneven pace’, to ease my teaching. However, after that first night, she didn’t want to come the next day. She was doodling throughout the whole class, yawning, and at the end of it, her eyes were red and exhausted. I was disappointed.

So the next night, I brought H, who was raring to go from the very beginning. We had wanted to give N a chance, because H has his time with AM at the masjid, and S goes to the youth halaqa on Fridays. Oh well. H enjoyed the class. The next night, I brought S with me. She enjoyed it too, but didn’t want to come the next night. H did though.

The night S attended, something happened. The instructor announced that a sister had emailed Bayyinah and lodged a complaint that his shoulder length hair was distracting. So, in response, he exclaimed in class,

“If five brothers and sisters recite with flawless tajweed, me and my two brothers will cut our hair.”

Well, apparently, those 5s did have flawless tajweed.

Before I left the next night, S said to me,

“Tell me if he cut his hair.”

I missed class that night because K’s mom wouldn’t let her leave the house. The roads were too icy, some highways were shut down because of multiple accidents. But the night after that, I entered the class and saw that he indeed had shaved his head. Not only him, but the two brothers who came with him. Subhanallah…

When we got home that night, we brought the news to S.

On the last day of class, everyone was invited for the National Salat Day. So our whole family trooped to NICC, with our overnight Malaysian guest. From the second day, my taking the class had become a family affair, like most of my AlMaghrib classes, either directly, or indirectly.

The instructor said in class,

“Men listen only to the first 30% of what was said. So sisters, if you want to say something to your husband, make sure the meat of it was in the first 30%.”

“The remaining 70% is added to the sisters’ 100%, making it 170%. What was said, and what was NOT said. ‘That’s pretty!’, ‘What? What’s pretty?’”

Later on, S used this on me. She had mumbled something, and I said,

“I didn’t get anything you just said except ‘accidentally’.”

She responded,

“Then you’re a man.”

“Huh?”

“You only got 30%.”

I guess there’s a downside to having your children attend classes or lectures you attend.

Nevertheless, the class was wrapped up with a very moving recounting of the hadith of the last man to take his place in Jannah. You could hear sniffles and even the instructor was brought to tears himself.

“More?”

“Radheetu ya Rabbi.” (I’m satisfied ya rabbi)

“You’ve made it.”

This class was definitely more than just about tajweed. I am not able to convey the sentiments and feeling I felt in this class. It may be the barakah Allah has placed in such a gathering, wallahu a’lam. But, like all other classes I have taken, I’m grateful to Allah for being able to take it. The hadith struck a chord in me, as I had recently just expressed to my friends,

“You go through something, and at the end, you are content with the end result, and you are so happy. Imagine how it will be in Jannah, when you get all the pleasures of Jannah, but there’s more joy to come; seeing Allah. if we are already so happy with the news of fortune in this world, imagine the happiness we will feel when we get to see Allah. Subhaanallah…”

In this world though, when we are bestowed with good fortune, we are happy, yet in reality, our happiness is superficial, because we are not here forever. Life is fleeting. A dear friend said to me in an email, and I will always remember this, and I pray to Allah that I will continue to remember this,

Anyhow, I will leave you with this one ayah from Surah Nahl. It’s helped to repicture my entire life. “Wa maa amrussaa’ati illa kalamhil basar.” (And the Hour is not but the blink of an eye away) Meaning, our entire lives, how many ever years we live, and all the years until the Day of Judgment, ALLLLL of that will pass by like the blink of an eye. So if something good happens to you, don’t get too excited because it’s going to vanish really quickly, and if anything bad happens ever, then don’t get too sad because it’s all going to be over in the time it takes for you to close and open your eyes, and then either way we can all meet again inshallah in the akhira. So Chin up girlfriend!!!

Another dear sister also sent me such a profound reminder,

Laqit b Sabrah reports that the Prophet sala Allahu alayhe wa salam said, “Verily, our Lord laughs at the despair that His servants feel, even though His Help is so close!”

So Laqit said, “O Messenger of Allah – may my mother and father be given as your ransom – does our Lord laugh?”
The Prophet sala Allahu alayhe wa salam replied, “Yes.”

Laqit said, “In that case, we will never give up hope of receiving good from a Lord that laughs!”

I felt it, these past few days, that feeling of happiness and contentment that has an underlying sadness to it, or rather, a grim dose of reality. Beautiful is Islam, such that we can ask Allah for the good of both the dunya and akhirah. Death is a reminder, a grim reminder that whatever fortune you amass in this world will be left behind when death overtakes you. Death is the ground zero, that when remembered, will move us to live a life that focuses on the hereafter while also enjoying and partaking in the benefits of the worldly life. Ummatu Wasata. Alhamdulillah.

This will make more sense in future posts biiznillah, for we have some new developments in our situation, that I dare not yet announce until it’s fully confirmed. Allahu Akbar. Walhamdulillah.

Leaving Baby Z

December 27, 2008 at 11:42 pm | In AlMaghrib, Bayyinah Institute, Community, Deen, Family, Kids, Mothering, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

It looked like everyone was asleep. The windows were dark, both upstairs and downstairs. I pushed my key in the lock and turned, and as I did so, I heard cries. It was almost 12 a.m.

He’s still not sleeping?

Once the door opened, I flipped on the light switch, and what do I see at the top of the stairs? Baby Z, clad in his cut up onesie transformed into too short a shirt that reveals his belly button, and his pajama pants, standing quietly, looking at me. The first thought that ran through my head when I saw him,

He had been crying all this time? From his bedtime till now?

I ran upstairs, scooped Baby Z up in my arms, cooing and kissing him. Hubby was splayed on the bed. He looked exhausted.

“He seemed to be looking for something. He even hugged the towel rack.”

I had nursed Baby Z to sleep around 6 p.m. K picked me up around 7 p.m. and we headed for the Tajweed class. This was the first day.

“He woke up around 7:30. They played, and then when it was time to go to bed, which was rather late, around 10:30, he started crying.”

“He didn’t even want to sleep with S?” I asked.

I had thought, and hoped that Baby Z would have slept all the way through morning, or at least until I came back, around 11 p.m.

Hubby shook his head wearily.

“She didn’t want to sleep with him.”

Subhanallah!

So that first night, it was chaos. That was one of my foremost worry about leaving Baby Z for the classes everyday for ten days. He usually has two naps during the day, one in the morning and the second one in the early afternoon. But sometimes, he would skip the second nap, and create a big change in schedule by doing so. Usually I would keep him awake till around 7/8 p.m. before putting him to bed. Since K was picking me up, and the drive to NICC is about 20-30 minutes, we had to leave earlier, which meant, I either have to put him to bed by 6 p.m. or S would have to put him to bed around his normal bedtime, which further meant, he won’t be nursing like he usually does. The first and second night, when I nursed him before I left, he fell asleep, which was around 6 p.m. He later woke up (treating that as his very late second nap), and so S had to put him to sleep by lying down beside him on my bed.

The first night, she didn’t want to, so hubby had to tend to him, and of course Baby Z kept crying. The second night, S laid down beside him, while he ‘read’ a book. S fell asleep, and hubby said that he heard Baby Z crying, but by the time I was home, he was asleep, with the book next to him. The third night, both S and N laid beside him on my bed, and by the time I was home, again, all three were asleep.

This written during the week:

So, I guess it’s working out so far, though I just nursed him again minutes ago, and he fell asleep. I have a feeling he is going to wake up soon after. To make it worse, tonight, we’re having overnight guests, a couple from Malaysia who are here for their graduate studies, and hubby has a phone interview around 9 p.m., and I will be taking H and S with me to class (deserves its own post). May Allah make it easy on hubby. Ameen.

The roads have been pretty icy and dangerous these past few nights, and last night, there was a wind advisory. Fahrenheit, it was below zero, with wind chill. Tonight, I had both kids (S and H) get ready with their gloves, because with such a temperature plus wind chill, there is a danger of frostbite.

After I graduated from college back in 99, I told myself that I would change my ‘major’ and learn more about Islam. I had spent my youth in secular studies, mostly, and it was about time I dedicate the rest of my life learning about Allah. Four years in Iowa, the last two years, I had sisters over at my house every Sunday for a halaqa. In Georgia, we attended the Jumaah Khutbah almost every week as the masjid was within walking distance, and the imam was very encouraging on bringing children to the masjid. Mashallah, he even made announcements after every Jumua’h, telling the parents to bring their kids to the masjid. In Ohio, I attended a sisters’ halaqa every Saturday for a whole year and more, but it was when AlMaghrib Institute came that I really felt ’structured’. The way the materials were presented was organized. I felt better learning about Islam in an organized way, taught by people with credibility. It hasn’t been easy, attending classes that are actually designed for youth who don’t have to worry about leaving little children at home with somebody for two full weekends, but with Allah’s help, we’ve managed, albeit not without difficulties.

I have never regretted taking any of those classes, even those where we had to travel out of town for, and drag the kids with us. Despite the difficulties, we have benefited a lot, and if I were to weigh the two, I would say that the benefit outweighs the difficulties. Hubby has always let me take the classes, resigning himself to babysit, he claims because I am the one educating the children, thus I need to be educated, and by this he meant Islamically educated. When I only had three kids, none of whom were breastfed anymore, it was slightly easier to attend the classes, but when Baby Z came, I had new challenges, but throughout all those classes I have taken with Baby Z, hubby has always supported me, dropping me off on campus, going back home, coming back again when Baby Z was hungry, waiting for us, and practically spending the full two weekends in difficulty too. His presence in the building outside the auditorium where the classes are usually held has even developed into a ‘marker’ for Hayl’s AlMaghrib classes. He said that several brothers have come up to him and asked,

“So when’s the next AlMaghrib class?”

“Does my face look like an AlMaghrib face?” he quipped.

“They should pay me,” he said.

I have to admit I feel guilty having to put the kids through all these difficulties, and I can clearly imagine someone saying,

“Why do you do this? Poor kids!”

Taking these classes may seem optional, something that people do when they have extra money or extra time.

But, when I keep thinking about it, I realize that taking these classes, at least for me, is obligatory, not only so I can educate the children, but mostly for my akhirah. Mothers leave their children to go to trainings that their jobs require. Mothers leave their children to pursue worldly careers.  Should I even feel guilty? Doesn’t Islam deserve more?

I suppose I shouldn’t even feel guilty, because inshaallah, with the correct intention, these pursuits of mine are my investment for my hereafter. Islam deserves more. Islam deserves better. My deen deserves more. Children are both trials and blessings. We can tend to them 24/7/365 , but there has to be a balance struck between our duty as a mother to them, and our duty as slaves to Allah (though being a mother itself is a subset of being a slave to Allah). And if a mother can leave her children to pursue worldly degrees and extra training and worldly achievements, I guess a mother can also afford to leave her children to pursue spiritual benefits, provided of course, that they are not left in front of a TV set or a video game.

The beauty of being a Muslim is that we believe and heavily rely on life in the hereafter. Suffer here, have fun later. Have fun here, suffer later.

I am definitely counting on this:

A man came to Abu Darda (ra) while he was in Damascus. Abu Darda asked him, “What has brought you here my brother?” He replied, “A hadith which you relate from the Prophet (saw).” Abu Darda asked, “Have you come for some worldly need?” He replied, “No.” “You have come only to seek this hadith?” He replied, “Yes.” Abu Darda then said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (saw) say:

“He who treads a path in search of knowledge, Allaah will make easy for him a path from the paths of Paradise. The angels lower their wings for the student of knowledge in approval of what he does. All the creatures in the heavens and earth, and even the fish in the depths of the water, seek forgiveness for the scholar. The superiority of the scholar over the worshipper is like the superiority of the full moon at night over the rest of the stars. Indeed the scholars are the heirs to the prophets. Surely, the prophets did not bequeath deenaars or dirhams. They left behind knowledge, so whoever takes it, has indeed acquired a huge fortune.” (Al-Musnad 5/196, Aboo Daawood 3/317, At-Tirmidhee 5/49, Ibn Maajah 1/81, Ad-Daarimee 1/98)

More on the blessings of seeking knowledge.

May we be among those whom Allah will make easy a path from the paths of Jannah. Ameen.

As for Baby Z, well, he has gone to bed without nursing for the past week now, which alhamdulillah, makes it so much easier on me, and inshaallah in my intended plan to separate him from our bed with no coercion. It’s all good, inshaallah.


It’s not Just About Tajweed

December 21, 2008 at 8:02 pm | In AlMaghrib, Bayyinah Institute, Community, Deen, Quran, Thoughts | 6 Comments

Remember my dilemma ‘Should I or Should I Not’ a few posts earlier? Well, I made istikharah. My heart was leaning more towards taking it. Since hubby told me to ask the sisters who were going to be taking it to share their notes with me, I emailed three of whom I was pretty certain were going to take the class. And what did I get? I received the below.

“I just told Nadia she should reconsider! Big time…and bithniallah either way whether its new or old it will help in keeping your tajweed in tact. I am still planning on taking bithniallah. For me it’s the idea that I might not get a chance to get this kind of practice of Tajweed-full rules at another point in life. Also, the fact that we’ll be studying the book of Allah in a group…subhana’Allah, imagine the ajir and the malik (angels) making mucho duas for us when we come together. Insha’Allah, if we’re able to money wise we should spend it on this class,because whether we know about it now…the benefits may be greater than beyond thinking I already this stuff. And the cool thing is we’ll get to be around and get to see a different group of people than what we’re used to in our daily routines. Alhamdulilah, I absolutely loved last years session as I got more out of it than the usual grammar sessions.” -Rh-

“Alhamdulillah the tajweed class is really nice, I liked it even though I studied it before. If you’re a teacher, then you can use his methods for your students because he really simplifies the rules (ex: ikhfaa becomes tongue-not-touch/tnt). I liked the class because it polished my recitation and makhaarij, and mashaALlah he’s very entertaining and has awesome gems and tangents so I promise you that you’ll take SOMETHING beneficial from the class inshaAllah.” -Yr-

Alhamdulillah for having good company that pushes you to do good (somewhat of a quote from dear Rh last night). Since my heart was more inclined to taking the class, after reading these messages in my email, I immediately emailed hubby, copied and pasted these and basically told him,

“It’s not just about tajweed. It’s more, and that’s what it is with all the AlMaghrib classes too. We should go in it with the correct intention, not just to learn the material, but for more. It’s the ‘more’ that is the real treasure, the eman rush. If we take a class and all we got is the material taught, we don’t get the best deal.”

He replied, “OK.”

I emailed Bayyinah about financial options; it being one of the major concerns about taking the class in the first place.

The ride, well, let’s just say that the ride issue shouldn’t have been an issue when you have saaliheen sisters like these. Even when they don’t have enough finances themselves, they offer to drive a fellow sister from one end of town to another. Even when they don’t have enough finances themselves, they offer to help pay for stuff for a fellow sister. I see this particularly in the Somali communities, and I think it has something to do with what they had to go through because of the war, subhanallah. May Allah reward those who do this abundantly. Ameen. So, my ride is basically secured walhamdulillah, and may these rides be of benefit to both of us, and may we continue to make it beneficial by filling our talks with the remembrances of Allah, making these rides super super precious. Ameen. Already, we have covered quite awesome grounds these past two nights, subhanallah. I feel so blessed and thankful that I’m still here and able to reap the benefits of this. There surely is a reason we’re still here, Allahu Akbar. The topics discussed during the rides would take up several blog posts, which I do intend to make, but I do want to do those topics justice, so it’s going to take some time to put up, but biiznillah I do intend to put them up.

The reply to my email about financial option was vague to me, but became clearer after listening to the instructor’s outburst on it during the first day. He emailed me back saying,

“Allah will make a way.”

Of course, there’s more, but that was the essence of the message. I didn’t really understand what I was supposed to do. Do I register, or not? I forwarded the email to hubby, and he told me to register. So I did. On the first day of class, I went, but I was quite nervous. Would they let me take the class without being able to pay for it? Do I just go there and embarrass myself? Hubby told me to have that email printed so I could show it to them at the registration table. K, my ride, printed it for me. I felt bad about having to do all this, but I couldn’t let go of this opportunity to learn and be in an ilm-seeking environment.

When K gave me the printed email, I folded it and said,

“Jazakillah khair. I’ll only use this if needed.”

I didn’t want to start off by showing them the email, thus implying that they were going to make it difficult for me from the very beginning. I told the brother manning the table about my email. He just had me write my name and email on the sheet along with other people, and told me that he would ask the instructor about it and he would get back to me the next day.

That first night was indescribable. The instructor began by explaining why we need to learn tajweed, and already, it’s revealed that it’s not just about tajweed, as Rh said above. To top it off, he is really funny, as Yr mentioned above, which really made the class that much more awesome. I went back home raving about it to hubby, though, I did have some problems with Baby Z, who, well, let’s just defer this to another post, for it deserves its own.

As always, I was brimming with things to share and by the time I got home, this need to share was pulsating like crazy. And my husband, being the listener that he is, listened to my raving and recounting of the gems and points that was shared and taught in class. Not only that, but I also shared with him the reflections K and I hashed on the ride to the class and back home.

One thing that really somewhat shook everyone in class, was maybe when the instructor halted his lesson to hark on an issue that has for sure lingered in many people’s minds; his outburst.

“Do you think this is about the 100 bucks?! Invite everyone! Allah will make a way. You say you don’t have money?! My sheikh and I don’t have money either. This is not about the 100 dollars. It’s 3 dollar per hour, work it out yourselves later, but if you want to learn, just come! If you have children, we can put them in the room at the back, and I can put speakers there.”

I told hubby, who had actually given me $105 before I left, that first night. He had said,

“Worst case, just pay.”

“But do we have money?” I asked.

“Yes, inshaallah.”

I had wondered how we would have money when we don’t have any income for the next few months, but I didn’t ask. Allah will make a way, inshaallah.

I kept the wad of dollar bills in my coat pocket, and we decided to pay half of it, and give the other half to someone else, who definitely needs it, may Allah reward her. Last night, I paid half of the tuition, and the brother told me that I can continue paying for it even afterwards when we have the money. Subhanallah..alhamdulillah..allahu akbar! May Allah reward these brothers immensely. Ameen.

It’s definitely not just about tajweed, for I realized that what he taught that first night, I already knew, and what he taught the second night with regards to tajweed, I already knew too, but it’s the other things that really gnawed at my mind and paved an illuminated path towards deeper reflections.

This much I got, at the very least, from two nights of class:

  • Haqqa tilaawatih: to give the Quran its right and do what is halal and stay away from the haram. To give the Quran its right is to also give each letter its right.
  • 60% of the study of tajweed is in phonetics
  • When Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam used to recite, you could hear each letter
  • When the ummah recited, implemented, practised the Quran, we were given honor, but the moment we abandon it, we are humiliated.
  • We should be concerned more on the incorrect recitation of the Quran than the result of ‘panic buttons’ that are pressed to incite Muslims to acts of violence, terrorisms, and what not that take us away from unity (this part of the class was really deep)
  • Tools of shayaateen on women, three of them are depression, anxiety, and regret. As women, know them and remember them, and inshaallah we can better deal with them in our daily lives. (I personally loved this one!)

The funnies:

  • Sisters 25 and older, silence.
  • For __ years, we’ve been hiding behind our women. Brothers, come on!

There are more, but I’m short on time (as always). As always, being in these kind of environment is an eman booster for me personally, as I told hubby,

“I think I really need these. This is where I get my eman rush.”

And as is his way, he nodded and uttered,

“Achaa.”

Which reminds me of a Pakistani sister, who is a mother to grown children, who said to me,

“This is our chance to learn. Before, when the children were younger, we would be home, and we don’t get to go out and learn. So this is nice.”

At the time, she was attending an AlMaghrib class with her grown daughter. I do see what she means now.

In my case, it’s like a race against time, seeing as how I have wasted my youth. I now feel pressured to seek knowledge so as to increase my understanding and iman, and in turn help me raise my children, which in turn help me in my journey towards Allah. Because children grow up so fast, I feel like I’m losing this race, but one take home lesson I really treasure, is that, parenting really is a way through which we are driven to continually check ourselves, and improve our iman and build that connection with Allah.

Alhamdulillah, Who has blessed me with good company who keep me on my toes in doing good.

Alhamdulillah, Who has blessed me with opportunities for me to know Him better so I can get closer to Him

Alhamdulillah, Who has blessed me with health and ability to think and assess my priorities in order to please Him

Alhamdulillah, Who has given me tawfeeq that is the driving force that moves me to take advantage of these opportunities, for without this tawfeeq, regardless of what I do, I will not be able to benefit even if there were hundreds or thousands of opportunities like these staring me in the face.

Alhamdulillah, Who in His wisdom takes the believers by their hands, and gives them this tawfeeq, and this is only for the believers, out of His Love for them.

May Allah keep us guided on siraatal mustaqeem.

Rabbana la tuzigh quloobanaa Ba’da izh hadaytana wa hablanaa min ladunka rahmah innnaka antal wahhaab.

It definitely is not just about tajweed. That’s for sure.

Should I Or Should I Not?

December 16, 2008 at 6:55 pm | In Bayyinah Institute, Community, Family, Kid Talk, Quran, Siblings, Thoughts | 4 Comments

December 19 is almost here, and due to logistics and financial issues, my plan to take the Bayyinah tajweed class is now rendered ‘invalid’.

Ride: I don’t want to drive by myself every night all the way to NICC, but car pooling presents its own sets of problems. A sister offered to pick me up and drop me off, but, if she does, she will be be going completely out of her way to do this, and when hubby mapped her house, our house and the NICC, he uttered, aghast,

“No. Don’t make her do this.”

Money: Let’s just say we’re not really in a position to spend on anything extra than the necessary, considering hubby is no longer getting any income.

So, I emailed three sisters about this, and told them I am not going to attend the class after all, but that I would love it if they would share their notes and gems with me afterwards. That was what hubby told me,

“They’re most probably going to share their notes anyway.”

I have to say I was quite disappointed about not taking the class.

“It’s too basic,” was what I kept hearing, from hubby, and a couple other people, with regards to the tajweed class.

My relationship with the tajweed has always been blurry. I know how to read with tajweed (though I do want someone with credibility checking me just to make sure) but I don’t necessarily know the terms and jargon, despite being fed this throughout my school years. Now, I’m teaching the kids tajweed and so far, I have had to google and look up the rules just to make sure, but there will come a time when I will have to teach them something I’m not strong in, and that’s one of the reasons why I want to take the class, despite it being ‘too basic’.

And the sisters I emailed just presented me with really swaying arguments as to why I should reconsider taking it, and now I’m really feeling torn.

After Zuhr today, I posed this question to the kids,

“Kids, should I take the class?”

“No,” uttered H.

“What is the class about?” asked S.

“Tajweed.”

H quickly interjected,

“No!”

“Oh…istikharah!istikharah!”

“And then, don’t take it,” he said, with somewhat of a finality, which in turn left me feeling

He really knows what he’s talking about.

“Do you want to take it?” asked S.

I nodded.

To this, she turned to H and exclaimed,

“She wants to take it!”

“So?” he retorted.

“How much is it?” asked S.

“100.”

“No! That’s like a million dollars!” H repeated.

Let’s just say the kids are aware of our financial situation, and are even pitching in to turn off lights that are not being used.

“But it’s money in the way of Allah…”

Now, that, came as a surprise to me. Yes, it came from S, but still, I didn’t think this line of thinking was established in their young minds already.

“Ok, take it, take it.”

And apparently it changed H’s mind.

And I thought I had better post this while this is all still fresh in my mind for me to look back on bad days.

Quran, Quran, and Quran!

November 30, 2008 at 1:27 am | In Al Huda Institute, AlMaghrib, Bayyinah Institute, Community, Deen, Family, Thoughts | 4 Comments

Three opportunities to increase in knowledge.

After the party, hubby sprang a surprise of his own, which led to him asking me,

“Do you want to take the Bayyinah class?”

Of course I do, but before, the issue was that we have to leave pretty soon. Alhamdulillah though, his surprise is a new development that inshaallah will enable us to stay here. For now, it’s still not fully confirmed, so we’re still in limbo, just as before, but inshaallah, if things go smoothly, we won’t have to worry about having to leave for Malaysia, and I might even have to unpack.

A few days after the above question, we, Qabeelat Hayl, received news that we are to host the next AlMaghrib class in town: Heavenly Hues; Thematic Tafseer. Now this one, I’m not absolutely certain I will still be here, but like I said, if I have to unpack, I might very well be joining my haylers in that class, biiznillah!

Then, there is the Taleem Al Quran class, which I have been intending to take ever since I took the Ramadan AlHuda Course. In our desperation of trying to stay here, the matter of me going to grad school came up and for a week, I was in a frenzy of searching for graduate programs, panicking about the GRE, and plain stressed out. In the end though, we decided to put it on hold if I still want to go for it later on, for after studying the program, I came to be interested in it. Nevertheless, the taleem Quran has to take top priority, and I wouldn’t want to die while pursuing a worldly degree. That settled the dilemma, alhamdulillah,

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah…truly, He will make for you a way out, of that which you never expect.

Suffice it to say, our new development, I would like to think, has left a good experience on the kids in terms of Allah responding to their fervent dua, though as I said, for now, it would be safe to say we are still hanging on to uncertainty. Hang on for the ride, kids. It will inshaallah be khayr, for we are believers, are we not?

Two more days, and we will inshaallah be a little closer to certainty.

Ya Allah, please protect us and bless us in our wealth, life, and happiness. Ameen.

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