Days of Our Lives

I know. Hajj is not comparable to Ilmsummit, but from yesterday’s Alhuda’s class, I was struck by the yearning for both these events. We did verses 197-203 of Surah AlBaqarah yesterday, and these verses concern a lot about the rites of hajj.

One of our goals, or, well, at least my personal goal, is to finish paying off our student loans, save some money and go to hajj, either with the kids, or without. Yesterday, as we did word analysis and tafseer of these verses, it struck me. The wisdom behind us not being able to go to hajj yet. I knew this before, but it really struck me yesterday. And along with that, it struck me how parallel the feeling is for Ilmsummit.

A few days ago, something happened in my life that sent me into a rollercoaster of joy, yearning, sadness, acceptance, hope, and determination. I received an email from AlMaghrib Institute saying I am pre-approved for Ilmsummit, with a scholarship worth $575. I was reeling with excitement. To be honest, I never even bothered about Ilmsummit before, because logistically, it’s almost impossible for me to attend this two week intensive course with 4 kids. I can’t leave them for 4 weeks! Or can I?

When I told hubby, he immediately told me to go. Of course, me being the less intelligent one, said,

“How are you going to handle the kids for 2 weeks?”

I should have remembered. Hubby is hubby. He can make do. He shrugged. But I know that meant he will figure out a way. He always does. That is one reason we were able to both go to school with babies in the house. Alhamdulillah. I feel so blessed to have a husband who is not fussy, and who is not a typical man (in the sense related to the above scenario). Walhamdulillah!

He said,

“Just make istikharah and then try to go.”

I love how istikharah has made its dominant presence in our life, from little things like deciding to buy a china buffet to major stuff like this. And I’m even loving how the kids are very exposed to this, which is a life lesson in itself. May Allah bless us with guidance until our end. Ameen.

However, qadr Allah, hubby is supposed to go to Madison, Wisconsin July 25th – 28th, and the Ilmsummit is from July 24th though Aug 9. Divine Speech, which I have been planning to attend, in Tempe, AZ, is from Aug 7th through 9th. Though Nouman Ali Khan is going to be there at Ilmsummit, nonetheless.

It was a huge dilemma.

1. The four days hubby is going to be away, where do we put the kids?

2. I’m going to miss Divine Speech if I go to the Ilmsummit, though Ilmsummit in itself is an experience to look forward to.

Hubby already said that we can rent a car, leave H with some brothers here, and drive to Houston, drop me off, and he would drive back with the kids. Subhanallah! How much more supporting can a husband be? Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah!

After a bout of almost jumping up and down, getting excited over the prospect of meeting up with my Columbus sisters who are also going to attend Ilmsummit this year, I calmed down and did some serious thinking.

I couldn’t leave the kids for four days without hubby. That trip to Wisconsin is a must for hubby, even though he hasn’t bought the ticket yet. On a spiritual level, I don’t think I’m that prepared for Ilmsummit. My amount of Quran memorized is embarassingly qaleel. A decision started to form in my head. That night, I made istikharah, along with emailing my dear sisters for the consultation part.

All of them told me to go. Of course. Duhh…

Divine Speech, according to an Ameerah of a qabeela, is better than all the AlMaghrib classes combined.

That did it. I’m not going to miss Divine Speech.

So, when hubby asked me if I’m going, I told him no. I told him, (after finding out that he too had received an email saying he was accepted with a scholarship)

“We’ll go together next year inshaallah.”

The kids, we’ll figure it out. Houston is great with babysitting, mashaallah.

And yesterday, when we covered the verses on Hajj, I felt this yearning burning in my heart, and then it struck me how similar that yearning is to me wanting to attend Ilmsummit. My reasons of not being able to go yet is also somewhat parallel for both.

I sincerely don’t feel I am spiritually ready for Ilmsummit. If I go, I want to optimize the learning there. I need to grow more in my deen. Memorize more Quran. Understand more of the deen. Be more disciplined in my daily schedules. And by next year, I would hope that I will know what my role is in this community, so I can optimize my Ilmsummit experience to give back to the community, inshaallah.

For Hajj, I have felt this yearning burning in me for so long. A close friend, who had recently gone, fueled this yearning in me even more. But, I have learned to always look for the silver lining in things, and alhamdulillah, what I see regarding this, is soemthing quite similar to the silver lining for not being able to attend Ilmsummit.

I have a lot to learn about hajj. I may know it, but not enough. I have time now to learn all the rulings about it. I don’t want to go, do hajj, then come back and realize that I did something wrong. I want to optimize that hajj experience. All this waiting is a good opportunity to increase my knowledge about hajj and the deen in general.

Regrets? A dear sister, K, who is going to Ilmsummit this year, told me that she had yearned to go last year, but she knew she couldn’t, so she prepared for this year. One thign she said was that she didn’t feel any regret over not being able to go last summer because what she did last summer was worth it. That gave me comfort. And when you think about it, it’s the same as not being able to go to hajj this year, or any year. You do something else that is beneficial. No regrets. And of course, with istikharah, definitely no regrets inshaallah.

As for Divine Speech, the sister in Tempe told me they woud be having babysitting. By default, I do not dare let anyone babysit Baby Z, because of his allergies. And that was what I told the sister, but as I thought about it, it dawned on me that S and the other two are big, and responsible enough to keep their eyes on him. So I asked S,

“If ummi and abi take the class, Divine Speech, the one in Arizona, and we leave you with babysitting, do you think you can watch Z?”

She nodded.

So I asked hubby on gmail chat, if he wants to take the class with me.

That is a possibility. Another istikharah inshaallah.

I can’t help but wonder if Allah is giving me all these opportunities as the answer to my dua. I never before focused, let alone thought about attending Ilmsummit, but now, I’m inclined towards it. It has become my goal for next year. Along with that came the motivation to increase my spiritual level in my deen, and my Quran memorization. I need this push.

Why now? Why this year? Why not last year? My AlMaghrib grades have always been like that, but why this year? This opportunity set my gears rolling, and fed me with determination and motivation. Pondering, I thought to myself,

Thank you Allah for directing me this way.

I think these all are the answers to my dua.

The opportunities to teach Quran, that is also I think a blessing from Allah. Never before. Why now? Almost in droves (I know, I’m exagerating, but it’s relative).

The class in El Paso. Why now? Sh YB had never before done this, as far as I know.

Tempe getting Bayyinah classes. Around this time. Why now?

Albuquerque starting to establish a Qabeelah. Talk about perfect timing.

I had pined and moped about moving to a town that does not have an Almaghrib qabeelah. And now, I am showered with learning opportunities left and right. No excuses.

Alhamdulillah. Oh Allah, please continue to shower us with Your blessings, of the deen, for both the dunya and akhirah, Ya Allah. Ameen.

Ya muqallibal quloob thabbit qalbee ‘alaa deenik. Ameen.